High on Sweet Potatoes

I remembered this story the other day and almost left this earth ’cause of how hard I was laughing. I had actually written it out some time back and i’m so glad i did otherwise such an amazing experience would have been lost forever.

This happened in first year, not sure of the sem…i guess still the first sem. My first year of uni was so litt ( suits fans…wassup) it holds so many memories…the equivalent of someone’s four year campus life. Nimeona mengi brathes…So this apparently went down after we made a complete 180 turn to become the life of the party. I wasn’t okay with the liquor, infact i’m still a light weight. mwili ilikataa pombe. But loud….fam i tell you that loud…uuuggghhh….it was heavenly. In a span of roughly two weeks, I had become an expert loud-man…girl…whatever. I could tell you the good stuff from the fake stuff just by the smell. I think my nose cells had mutated and developed a high affinity for loud beccause i could smell if from miles away. Aaahh….i’ve just remembered another story, my first time using loud. The things i’ve done….

Back to the story. Every friday night would find Leni, Lana, sometimes Luan, and I out of school. The whole semester, we spent only three fridays in school…that’s how litt it was. On this particular Friday, tulikosa form (si ati tulikuwa tunatafutanga…people would look for us. One time we heard someone say if you want your party to be fun, call these four girls. Uuugghhh….*flips afro*) I think Leni and Luan decided to go home or sleep early leaving just Lana and myself. Fam we were feeling sick….eye twitching, that irritating itch because we hadn’t gone out. We were not feeling human you guys. It was an addiction. So Lana and I decide to check what’s good in Annex. We went with the intention of just looking around but since the devil is a liar, cookie pap! joint pap! Someone once told me that nothing will ever make anyone befriend you the way herb does. Kidogo kidogo we were surrounded by some three guys. Wakatoa joint ingine kubwa fam, I could feel my insides dancing with anticipation. We stood at some corner…not really a corner….hapo tu nje. (kush is so common in uni, people use it so openly that sometimes i forget it’s illegal) The five of us light it up and munched it down then chilled for some 5 mins. Why was i still sober? in fact my sobriety level went a notch higher juu ya kupigwa na baridi. Shit…must have been fake.  I was genuinely disappointed, we both were.

Lana and I decide to head back to our room, walking our fine asses up those stairs…(I kid you not, Lana has a BUDENG’. Ass for millenia aki..wueh! at times i can’t even walk next to her because mine will look like just a drop in the ocean) We get to the room and lana is like brathe naskia njaa, tuboil sweet potatoes. I’m down with it, I fetch the water, she did the peeling…i don’t know why. Si they’re meant to be bolied with the peel still on?  It was around 1245h. Disclaimer, the time frames may be highly incorrect or overtly exaggerated due to obvious reasons.

1250h- we are feeling sleepy as hell but we just gotta have those taters with strungi.

1255h- mama tehaaa, whunjirita evandu eeehhh….mama tehaaa, whunjirita evanduuuu

mi ni mrembo, mbe nduvu yasko, maisha kanje, mbe nduvu yaskoooo

nindingo ayyeeee mama nindingo, mama nindingo

ndaholai kasi, mreeemmmbbeeee, ndaholai kasi, mrembe amahululai, mrrreeeeemmmbbbbeeeeee, mmrrreeeemmmmbbeee

yes fam, i was just as confused as you are when we were learning these songs in form one, dramatized dance manenos. (yet another story…stay tuned) the torture was real. Our parents knew we were learning kumbe we were being bullied and forced to learn songs in languages we didn’t know existed.

0105h- Lana: alafu si you know Mike Ike?

Me: uhuh

Lana: Eeh, sasa in the movie he fell in love with Genevieve Nnaji. Sema Tiap!

Me: tiap! tiap!

(wasee aki i apologize for the expressions we used to use. i have no idea what we were thinking using tiap to exclaim…what is tiap surely? i’m reading the original piece with shame…ata sijui nini ilikuwa shida.)

Lana: na vile she was a kabyad gyal sth sth sth blah blah blah (see what i mean               fam…sasa byad gyal ni nini aki?)

Me: mmhh *completely zoned out, thinking about sambareeee*

Lana: blah blah blah blah and they got married. The end

Me: that’s so sweet. hizi vitu hazijaiva?

Lana: ebu check…

I’d like you guys to picture all that, the singing and the convo happening…with out eyes closed. That’s where life had brought us.

Since I was the closest to the coil, i take one out and cut it like a pro #saltbae. I don’t think I had fully opened my eyes…and just like that i put a piece in my mouth. Next thing, “whohoho hoooo huu hhoo hheee zii…hazijaiva” Msee at that moment i think i probably insulted someone in their mother tongue. Our highschool music teacher would always say if you want to talk in luhya, just put a hot potato in your mouth and try say something. That’s exactly what happened. I’m surre there’s a vine on it by George Kimani, watch it and see where the sound effects come in. If you can’t relate, we can’t be friends.

Some minutes later, we devour those sweet potatoes with some hot strungi. It was magical. After that msee, we were goners. In another world, thought level: extra terrestrial. We were high af….wait…no…HHHHIIIIGGGHHHH AAAAAFFFFF!!!!!! I was seeing shit in 10D. It was probably 0140h and we were laughing our lungs out for no reason. I’m so sure we woke the whole hostel floor up. I’m surprised the night attendants didn’t come banging on our door.

As the laughter was dying down, i sat there contemplating how i was supposed to get my short ass onto the top bunk which seemed to be 100ft high.(hehehehe…) I struggled and pulled myself, like a kid trying to get out of a pool and when i was finally up, I felt like I was Sylvester Stallone after jumping off the 10th floor, landing on his feet and finally walking away with an exploding building in the background like it ain’t shit! Ule mbaya zaidi, brathe.

You think you’ve had a peacefull night’s sleep…my friend you have not. You don’t know what peace is until you fall asleep high. Where do I even start. It’s like soaking yourself in a warm bubble bath or like lying wrapped up in the arms of the one who holds your heart all night long…falling asleep to the symphony of their heart beating or eating some quality ass swiss chocolate with a smooth glass of wine; a Chardonnay comes highly recommended. If you can, put all these sensations in one and feel them. The morning after you’ll feel like a new being, nothing beats that sleep. It’s thee seeexx.

I don’t know why we got swept off our feet after eating. Was the tea bag the actual shit? Or maybe those potatoes zilikuwa na kakitu. Anywho, I cooked while high as a kite and I didn’t burn myself or the hostel to the ground. Y’all can’t tell me shiiitttt….i’m all the way up! pipe it up! pipe it up!

another quick disclaimer: don’t do drugs kids, it’s bad for you.


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